...that there is a whole LOT more to a marriage than the kissing, hugging, cuddling, admiring each other, infatuation, romance, passion, lust, sex, spending time together, longing for each other, etc. etc. etc. Like the Real Life things (the "Where the rubber meets the road things") some of which are: honesty, truthfulness, trust, honor, respect, transparency, patience, compassion, compatibility, selflessness, common interests, common outlooks on life, teamwork, love, fidelity, maturity, "in it for life" mentality, the daily grind of life, managing the finances, etc. etc. etc. Many couples seem to slide into marriage on the former things. Then after the passions have waned, and REAL-LIFE sets in, they soon realize that they do not have much in common with one another. This is because they did not take the time to get to know one another BEFORE the marriage. Not a good place to be.
...that when a relationship first begins both individuals are on their very best behaviors and no flaws are exposed - on purpose anyway. Therefore, BOTH of these individuals must make sure to invest a LOT of time up front (BEFORE MARRIAGE) in order to get to know one another REALLY WELL. That is, know FOR SURE who you are marrying BEFORE you marry them. This is something you do NOT want to find out after the marriage. To find out that you have made what could be the worst mistake of your whole life. Therefore, take a lot of time to find out who the other person really is (and they - you). Don't rush.
...that things are not always as they seem. And that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, again, take a lot of time to get to know one another before you marry.
...in a marriage, keep the important things - The Important Things.
...that charm is very deceptive, and outward beauty is fleeting.
...easy come, easy go.
...marry your best friend.
…anything of any real value takes a lot of work.
Selfishness is the number one cause of broken relationships/marriages.
Many marriages fail because one or both people have UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF THEIR FIANCE(E)/SPOUSE AND OF MARRIED-LIFE. Immature and very unrealistic paradigms / models / mind-sets / expectations / world-view(s) of this whole "marriage thing" can lead to horrible, horrible results. "Ahhhhhh" people like soooooo much the romance, the infatuation, the lust, the exhilaration of a new relationship that they hope will sweep them off of their feet, and "last a life-time", and one in which "they will live happily ever after". Dream on. Real-life (THE REAL WORLD) is just around the corner. If you do not have REALISTIC expectations of your spouse, of yourself, of married-life, and of real-life, a deep-six is just waiting for you just around the corner. Real maturity and serious (SERIOUS) marriage preparation are what's really missing here. You and your prospective spouse really need to get real & genuine and stay real & genuine with yourself and each other, and take a lot of time to get to know one another before marriage.
Opposites may attract one another, but in my opinion (and based on my experience) they may not have enough in common (compatibility) for a relationship/marriage to last for the rest of their lives. Life is complex and life is hard. Marriage is complex and marriage is hard. Therefore, I strongly believe that the more a couple has in common with one another, and the more compatible they are with one another the easier life and marriage can and will be. A high level of compatibility is very important for a life-long and enjoyable marriage. That is, the more differences (hurdles) a couple has to work on, or has to overcome, or has to try to make compromises on/for, then the more strained the relationship can, and will be.
Both people have to be mature, real, genuine, honest, trustworthy, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, a real teammate (a real and genuine team player), and "in it for life". Just to name a few of the required adjectives to describe the "base/core" character and personality traits of the participants - in order to make it (the marriage) work - and work for life. Please note that I said "base/core" character & personality traits NOT "veneer covering(s)" personality & character traits.
Maturity is just one of the many absolute foundations of dating and marriage - real maturity that is.
MATURITY - Ohhhhhhh, this is a really BIG one for me. That is, it is very important IMO. When life gets tough and/or things start going bad in your life and/or marriage, what kind of "maturity" do you posses, or possesses you? That is, what kind of maturity do you really have and exhibit when the going gets tough - "for better or worse, through good times and bad"? Do you have the same maturity as one of your wise and mature grandparents? Or do you have the maturity of one of your immature adolescent/teenage children (a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde type of a transformation(s))? The marriage-team absolutely needs the former, and from both team members. When the going gets tough (and it definitely will at some point(s)) do you have the habit of slipping back into your teenage mentality/maturity (my way, my way, my way, & me, me, me, & now, now, now)? If so, we definitely will not be a good match for one another. Would YOU want to marry a man who behaves in such a way? Then there are still others out there who never seem to grow up, they never seem to reach maturity. They can be in their 30's, or 40's, or 50's, etc. IMO, these are some of the scariest people walking the planet. They are self-centered, vengeful, malicious, controlling, jealous, manipulative, devious, deceptive, dishonest, untrustworthy... Would YOU want to date and marry one of these? I certainly don't.
TRUST - Trust is also a BIG one for me. Trust can easily be lost, and difficult to regain. Therefore, do it right the first time. It makes absolutely no sense to me to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust. Would you want to date/marry someone that you could not trust? Again this points back to "maturity".
I think that some people really believe that you can be the same person in marriage as you were as a single adult. That is, it seems that some have the mind-set of: individualistic independence, and the “me”, and the “my way”, and the “I”, all of which are forging strong ahead into marriage. And just assuming that the other person will fall in line and follow “my” lead, and do it my way, etc. Instead, each “individual” (BOTH people) need to be givers and team players. IMO, if either one, or both do not have a giving spirit, and a team player spirit at their core, the marriage will fail before the marriage ceremony is completed. The red flags will be there long before the marriage ceremony – just be sure to take the rose-tinted glasses off so that you can see the red flags (in fact, just throw the rose-tinted glasses away).
I do not completely understand life. I am still learning. But I do know and believe this: 1) make sure you are a mature Mr. Right or a mature Miss Right before you date and marry; 2) you completely know yourself and what you want and do not want in life and in marriage - before you date and marry; and 3) you take A LOT of time (2-3 years) to get to know one another before you marry (not afterwards).
How does a couple come to know if they have A LOT in common (a high level of compatibility) on many levels? Take 2-3 years of face-to-face and elbow-to-elbow time to REALLY get to know one another BEFORE they marry, and before any commitments are made - not afterwards. That is, make sure you see and experience each other many, many times over at their best AND at their worst, and everything in-between (this DOES take a lot of time). Take time to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly. All the while, looking for red flags - even hidden and concealed red flags. No rose-tinted glasses here.
OUTWARD BEAUTY - Have you ever been around a person who is pretty/handsome, or is attractive, or is gorgeous AND HE/SHE KNOWS IT? Well, I would not be a good match for someone like that. Life is way, waaaaaay too short.
We all know this, but it is often forgotten or over looked, and that is, that some beauty is only skin deep. A woman may look absolutely fabulous, and smell even better, but if she is a witch, it is a big, big zero - all for not. Much, much, and even more beauty is found in everyday honor, honesty, trustworthiness, faithfulness, kindness, sincerity, thoughtfulness, truthfulness, compassion, realness, genuineness, etc. etc. etc. External beauty is fleeting - for sure. However, the internal character beauty can last a lifetime and can grow and increase over time. IMO, once you have experienced the latter, you'll not settle for anything less (far more precious than jewels).
After the fascination has subsided, and when the infatuation has waned, and when the lust has died down - you are back to REAL-LIFE. That is, the excitement, anticipation, longing, infatuation, romance, lust is fleeting and relatively short-lived. Again, take 2-3 years to really get to know one another - past the point where all of these have subsided, and before any commitments have been made. Then (most likely) you will have experienced the "real person" at their "core" (who they REALLY are). Then, if you find you still care for and really love one another, you can take it to the next level.
Investing a LOT of time up-front, to get to know one another before anyone makes any commitments - will pay off big either way. Marriage is one of the most important, and critical and serious decisions that anyone can make. Therefore, it is to everyone’s’ advantage to take plenty of time to make sure you are making the right choice. Take it slooooooow.
Transparency - before marriage each person must be a completely open-book so that the other person can see, experience and evaluate the other person's true colors, true character, and true core values. Of course this also demands complete honesty and openness with one another. After marriage, again complete transparency, complete honesty and openness for life.
Do not ignore your instincts (your gut-feelings). Take note and listen to them.
Honor and respect goes BOTH ways.
Clearly and succinctly understand what you do want, and what you do NOT want out of life. Likewise, clearly and succinctly understand what you do want, and what you do NOT want out of marriage. And make sure that you share these things many, many times over with your prospective spouse. If you yourself do not clearly know and understand these things (who you are, what you are, what you want, what you do not want, what is important to you, what is not important to you, etc.), how do you expect your prospective spouse to get to know who and what you are?
Have genuine patience, patience and patience with one another.
Be honest and truthful with yourself so that you can be honest and truthful with your prospective spouse & spouse. If you are not honest and truthful, please do not contact me.
As I see it, when it comes to human beings, most if not all things in life are relative. That is, people have different positions on this and that. They also can and do change their minds on this and that, depending on what is happening in their life (or in a loved-one’s life) at the moment. People do change their minds on this and that depending on how life is playing out for them. Do not marry someone who is constantly swinging with one or more pendulums (on the important issues of life), and do not be one of these people either. Nobody wants to be married to someone who is constantly waffling back-and-forth on the important issues of life.(br (span="" style="background-color:yellow;"))Be real/genuine with each other (for life). Don't fake it.
"Sugar and spice, and everything nice" - yeah right. Some women cannot be considered the weaker sex. I know personally - I have felt and experienced their wrath.
Be absolutely sure that you and your prospective spouse "are in it for the rest of your lives".
Change is constant. And people DO change over time. Therefore, make sure that you and your prospective spouse have gone through the "major changes" (achieved REAL MATURITY) before you marry. And again, make sure that you have a LOT in common (the important things in common) BEFORE you marry.
Teamwork, teamwork and teamwork.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Moderation is one of the true keys of life.
Do not marry: a controller/control-freak; a person with a dominating personality; or a micro-manager; or a bossy person; or an angry person; or a jealous person; or a malicious person; or an uppity/arrogant person; or a liar; or a cheat; or a know-it-all; or a narcissist; or an in-your-face confrontational person; or a provocative person; or a person who likes to stick their nose into other people's business; or a sociopath (or worse); or a manipulator (aka being devious, deceptive, calculating, crafty, cunning, Machiavellian, etc.) AND DON'T BE ANY OF THESE. *
Do you like it when someone (male or female) thinks that it is his/her job to think for you, and/or make decisions for you, and/or speak for you (control-freak personality traits)? I certainly do not like it, and I do not want to date/marry anyone who thinks and acts in such a way. Would you? *
What do you think about people who think that "the rules" (whatever rules you want to consider) do NOT apply to them? Or maybe the rules only apply to them when they (the rules) are in their favor (another control-freak personality trait)? I for one certainly do not want to date/marry such a person. Would you? *
What do you think about people who like to tell their significant other what friends he/she can and cannot have (another control-freak personality trait)? Again, I for one do not want to date/marry such a person. Would you? *
I do not care for gossips. And naturally it would follow then, that I do not want to date/marry a woman who initiates, and/or feasts on, and/or propagates gossip. Would you want to date/marry a man who does this? *
If "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" is your mantra, or is part of your mantra - then we certainly will not be a good match for one another. I am looking for a teammate, someone who I can trust & love - and she me. Not someone who thinks that she has a cultural-free-be pass to rip into her man and turn into a raging black tornado whenever she feels she has been wronged. Would you want to date/marry a man who believed that he had a "right" to act in such a way whenever he felt you wronged him? *
Likewise, is "all is fair in love and war" part of your mantra? If so, we definitely won't be a good match for one another. I am looking for a life-long teammate - not a life-long adversarial Tasmanian devil. Would you want to date/marry a man who believed that "all is fair in love and war"? *
What do you think about women who "expect" or "just think that" or "demand that" their men read their minds? I for one would not want to date/marry such a woman. In general, when we (men) ask "what is going on?", or "what are you thinking?", or "is there anything wrong?" - please tell us. This is DEFINITELY a "GAME" that men do NOT like to play. And if we do not ask please bring it up and tell us, because some of us men DO have other important things on our minds that we are seriously considering and/or are worrying about. It is not all about you. Would you want to date/marry a man who expected/demanded this of you? *
What is your opinion of certain people who consider themselves to be "the potter", and their significant other "the clay"? These people apparently think it is their job, or their right, or their prerogative to make and/or mold their significant other into the person that "they" want them to be, or think they should be (yet another control-freak character trait). I do not care for these type of people one bit, and I certainly would not want to date or be married to a woman who has such "ideas" and/or "motives". It seems that some people will never learn that only a person can change him/herself. It is their doing, not someone else's. It makes absolutely no sense to me (not logical, not level headed, not rational, not reasonable) to bring home a porcupine and then complain about, and try to figure out ways to get rid of all the quills. That is, you and your prospective spouse NEED to get to know one another REALLY WELL B E F O R E you marry one another. Would you want to date/marry a man who would treat you like this? If YOU think that your man needs to make a lot of critical changes, then YOU need to determine this before YOU marry him, so that YOU still have the option to end the relationship and find someone else who better fits YOUR requirements. *
The word "equality" means just that - "EQUALITY". That is, equality goes BOTH ways - for women AND men (whatever aspect of life you want to talk about or consider). That is, some women want/DEMAND equality, but interestingly enough they do not think that it applies to the "men". Why is that? Could it be a mindset of: "control, control, control" or "me, me, me"? Furthermore, "Equality" does not mean that you or your spouse gets to choose what "equality" applies to. It is an all or nothing deal. Otherwise, it is not equality - is it? You either want it for both sexes or you don't. I certainly do not want to date or marry a woman who thinks that "equality" only applies to her (her sex) and/or that she gets to pick and choose what it applies to. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. What is good for the gander is good for the goose. Depending on your perspective, I guess this could be a double-edged sword that cuts both ways. *
Likewise, "double-standards" are quick and easy ways to cause major problems in a relationship/marriage. *
As are the "unwritten rules" and/or the "undisclosed expectations" (aka - rules and expectations that have not been brought up and discussed and agreed upon). These too, are great ways to cause major problems in a relationship/marriage. *
If you believe that the center of the universe happens to be you, then we definitely will not be a good match for one another. Would you want to date/marry a man who felt this way about himself? *
I briefly mentioned this above, but it is definitely worth elaborating on. And that is, I am not looking to date and then marrying a JEALOUS person. The people that I am referring to when I say "jealous person" are those individuals who have a fair amount of jealousy coursing through their arteries and veins. These are usually the "controller" & "control-freak" types of people who end up wearing their jealousy on their sleeve and then blowing up in your face or someone else's face in a fit of jealous rage. Would you want to date or marry a man who had this type of a problem? *
Can you genuinely admit all by yourself, and without any prompting, when you were/are wrong? And then genuinely apologize and take the responsibility for "it" (take responsibility for your decisions and actions)? Or do people have to stack the evidence in front of you in order for you to come clean? And maybe even then you don't fess-up and take responsibility? And/or, are you a "Spin-Doctor"? If you cannot be a big girl and be honest and admit & apologize & take responsibility, we will definitely not be a good match for one another. Would you want to date/marry a man who acted like this? *
I am absolutely not interested in dating and/or marrying an "alpha female". Would you want to date/marry an alpha male? *
Do you like to wear, and/or are you use to wearing, and/or are you planning on wearing BOTH the dress AND the pants in your next relationship/marriage? If so, you and I will definitely not be a good match for one another. *
Are you a chameleon? Someone who changes his/her colors depending on who's company he/she is in (usually for one's own gain)? A forked-tongue individual who tells people what they want to hear in order to get on their good side, and then be able to manipulate them at some point (again, for one's own gain)? If so, we definitely will not be a good match for one another. Would you want to date/marry a man like this? *
If you are the type of a person that gets bored after a while, and then starts looking at all the greener pastures that are out there (in-and-out, and in-and-out of relationships - via flirting, and/or two-timing, and/or adultery) then we definitely do not have a future together. Would you want to date/marry a man who did this? *
Do you like to, or do you have the habit of sticking knives in people's backs - anytime, and/or especially when their backs are turned? And/or, do you try to pit people against one another (again, for YOUR own gain of course)? And/or, do you have a streak of meanness or malice tucked away in your gray and white matter? And/or, do you enjoy smearing people? And/or, do you enjoy stirring the pot? If so, we definitely will NOT be a good match for one another. Would you be interested in dating/marrying such a man? *
I am guessing here, but I would think that a woman would not be too interested in a man who indulges in something like porn. Likewise, if you currently do, or you have a past history (habit) of, or you have a mind-set based on FEASTING upon soap operas, romance novels, porn, and the like, then I might conclude that you might think that (or expect that) REAL LIFE is supposed to be like the above. And/or, you think that life (your life) should be like these. If so, we won't be a good match for one another. *
Do you leave your "work-hat" at work? Or do you bring it home and wear it at home too? That is, are you a supervisor, or a manager, or a director, etc. (or maybe you just think that you are one) and then end up treating (supervising, managing, directing, manipulating, lying, deceiving, etc.) your spouse and the rest of your family like one of your employees? If so, we will definitely not be a good match for one another. Would you want to date/marry a man who would do this to you? *
Did you have, or do you have issues with PMS or menopause? And, do you want, or do you expect your boyfriend, or fiance, or husband to weather/endure these storms with you? If so, then YOU need to weather/endure his storms TOO. And do it with the same compassion, attitude and demeanor as you would expect from him. Those things that he does that drives you crazy too, and/or wears or grinds on you too. For those of you who do have issues with PMS or menopause, do you really actually think that these are a cake-walk for your men? And please, do not think that these "events" (PMS, menopause) give you a free-pass to: rip into and rag on your boyfriend/fiance/husband, and/or to treat him badly, and/or to manipulate him - while you walk away like nothing happened. Some of us men are not that naive/ignorant. *
Do you like to get together with your family/relatives and/or friends and rip and tear your man to shreds? If so, we are not a good match for one another. Would you like it if your man did this to you? *
Power and Control - I have eluded to this earlier, but it is worth elaborating on. If you are one of those individuals who is hooked on Power and Control (seeking and desiring and enjoying when you have Power and Control over other people) then we definitely are not a good match for one another. Would you want to date/marry a man like this? *
Arguing Fairly & Fighting Fairly - Since we each have our own unique genetic code and our own unique central nervous system and our own unique lifetime of experiences (good and bad) to fill our own separate CNS, should it be any surprise that we are different and that we have different opinions/beliefs/standards on this and that? Dating and engaged couples have disagreements and fights. And if they work through these with maturity, objectivity, honesty and fairness, they can both prevail stronger as a "team" on the other side. If they cannot, then they still have a reasonable "out". That is, they can end the relationship and find someone else with whom they have more in common with - perhaps a lot more in common with. But with married folks the "easy-out" does not exist. Therefore, again it is important to realize how necessary it is and how important it is to take a lot of time before marriage to really get to know one another. When married individuals do have disagreements/arguments/fights it is of utmost importance, IMO that they do so with high levels of: maturity, objectivity, level-headedness, fairness, honesty, truthfulness, openness, clarity of mind and position, compassion, truthfulness, and the desire to get down to the real problem and to find a solution, etc. etc. etc. In short, they need to fight fairly, instead of falling back on selfishness, emotions, lying, manipulations, deceptions, dishonesty, etc. etc. etc. I am looking for someone who fights fairly, and does not resort to the latter self-serving strategies/tactics for waging an argument or a fight. What type of a person would you want to be married to? *
Finances - IMO, BOTH spouses NEED to be INTIMATELY involved with ALL aspects of the management of the finances. For a couple of reasons - first, some people are just plain bad/horrible at managing the finances. And secondly, some people are: self-serving, manipulative, devious, deceptive, liars, cheats and as such can and will run the couple's finances into the ground. However, with both people intimately involved in all of the finances this should not be a problem. Open, honest, mature and transparent teamwork should prevail here. *
Divorce and Recovery - That is, how much time after a divorce should a person (male or female) take before considering dating again, and looking for a spouse again? From my perspective I would say that: when most of the dust from the divorce-stuff has settled; and he/she no longer has any emotional ties/feelings for his/her ex; and he/she has been honest with himself/herself about what happened in the marriage & divorce and has learned & changed as a result of that; and then when he/she has the desire to date, and date with much more wisdom, understanding and maturity under his/her belt. In general, maybe 2-3 years, but it could be longer for some. Divorce can be a devastating experience. And it takes time and effort to "reset". In general, I think we ALL should be careful of / or cautious of those people (male and female) who seem to think that they do not need any time to stop and learn, and make change(s), and heal from their previous relationship(s). These folks are very apt to jump right back in and have the same type of relationship yet again. With the same or even worse results. Therefore, if they do not want to go sloooooooooow, then you should turn and walk away quickly. Likewise, one must be very aware of some other people (male and female) who jump in and out of marriageS - like changing clothes. They start chasing & dating their next victim when and while they are still married to (and even living with) their current victim. Not surprising, these rascals often like to target naive, ignorant and trusting individuals - who may be less likely to see through their veneer(s). Appearance and expediency, not substance or caution, are important to these folks. The red flags are there - you just have to pay attention to them and follow through. AND, do not let yourself get distracted & coerced by their sweeeeeeeet-talk, and/or their honey-laden lips, and/or the "lets hurry up and get married soon" manipulation(s). Beware. *
I have learned that "people are going to do what they are going to do." Therefore, it is of utmost importance not to go fast. Instead, go slow and take a lot of time to get to know one another BEFORE marriage. You need to find out that you are not the right match for one another BEFORE you marry. Because afterwards, it is way too late. *
I am a giver, and I like doing it. However, I have learned that a relationship/marriage will NOT work for very long (if at all) if only one of the two people in the relationship/marriage is a true giver (aka: a giver at and from their core, someone who enjoys giving). Please notice that I did not say a veneer-giver, because anybody can pretend to be a giver. So, if you are not a true giver, and/or you do not like or enjoy giving – do not contact me. And yes, I have learned how to determine whether or not someone is a true giver. *
* Been there, done these. I have found that in my past dating experiences and my past marriage, that there is nothing that can take the fire, or the passion, or the chemistry, or the trust, or the love, or the very life and breath out of a relationship or marriage than the items that I have just listed above.(br /)
Cognitive Stages of a Relationship - I believe that there are several different stages/levels that a relationship between a man and a woman can and should progress through (I have listed "Cognitive" in the name because I believe both individuals really have to depend on their heads/minds (by using: reason, rational thought, logic, level-headedness, common sense, etc.) instead of just relying on their "hearts" (fleeting emotions & hormones) in each and EVERY stage/level that I have listed below). If and when both individuals are comfortable with "taking it to the next level/next stage" it should first be explicitly discussed and agreed upon before moving on. At each stage/step you both NEED to use your heads and: take off the rose-colored glasses and keep them off; be looking carefully for Red Flags; be looking for high levels of compatibility. This way, both people have to "keep their heads" in the relationship, instead of just letting their emotions & raging hormones steer them, or guide them, or slide them, or propel them into some heated & most likely tragic direction. I do not believe in just sliding or fast-tracking into a relationship/marriage either. IMO, it does not work for the long-term. As I see it, the stages of a successful relationship (that leads to marriage) consists of the following: first acquaintance; first date; second date; developing a REAL friendship with one another to the point of becoming best friends with one another; an exclusive dating relationship (with your best friend); engagement (with your best friend); serious, mature and thorough pre-marriage counseling (with your best friend); marriage (to your best friend); and finally - the continual open, honest, patient, compassionate, forgiving, and rational teamwork with one another (hopefully still best friends) for the rest of your lives. Please note that I strongly believe that through each and every stage up to and including the engagement, that either one or both of the individuals can and should "break the relationship off" if they see that they do not have enough in common with one another (the important things in common - that is); aka not having HIGH levels of compatibility with one another; aka not seeing eye-to-eye with one another on the important things in life; aka finding red flags. This process or these stages, take a LOT of time in order to really get to know one another well enough to KNOW FOR SURE if you should marry them or not (and them you). This can and should take at least 2-3 years of face-to-face, and elbow-to-elbow time with one another. Where you get to KNOW "the good, the bad, and the ugly" of one another - many times over. Where there is a LOT of communication going on. Where each is sharing their needs, their wants, their desires, their dreams, their passions, their expectations, etc. etc. etc. with the other person. The "heart-stuff" (romance, infatuation, longings, desires, emotions, hormones, passions, etc. etc. etc.) are the easy stuff. The IMPORTANT STUFF includes the things that you do and do not have in common (compatibility), and the Red Flags. You REALLY do NOT want to wait until AFTER the marriage to really find out who you married. To wake up one morning to the realization that you married someone with whom you have very little (if anything) in common with. This is NOT a good place to be.
I believe that women know best how to be a woman. Likewise, I believe that men know best how to be a man. So if you like to tell your man/men how to be a man, we (you and I) will not mix well at all. In general, men want a wife who will allow them (the men) to be a man. I know I do. I do not want a wife who wants to change me into someone, or something that I am not. Similarly, I would assume that a woman would want a husband who would allow her to be a woman. Do women want a husband who would want to change her into someone, or something that she is not? If some don't like how the other sex is doing it (being a man, or being a woman) then they should seriously consider either not marrying, or not marrying the opposite sex. I have seen elderly couples where one is on a very short leash, and it appears they are quite often getting an ear-full. Ohhhhhhhh, what a living nightmare that would be. I never want to be in that situation, or one that leads up to that situation. No way, no how. How about you?
Do not ignore red flags and do not turn a blind eye(s), or deaf ear(s) to red flags. Red flags are RED FLAGS, so carefully, and with reason and rational thought, purposefully put these into your ongoing assessment of each other. Bring them up and discuss them with the other person. If he/she does not want to, then there could be a whole lot more iceberg below the surface. Ignoring red flags can open the door to many, many problems and MAJOR heartaches.
I do not use any tobacco products. I do not drink any forms of alcohol. I do not use any forms of illicit/illegal drugs. And fortunately, I do not have to use any prescription drugs. How about you?
Related to the above, I have a couple of friends that use prescription drugs to help them with depression/anger and the like (anti-depressants and/or tranquilizers). I mention this here because I have noticed over the many years that I have known these two that their personalities, their demeanor, their attitudes really change with the use of, or lack of use of these Rx drugs. So much so that when I am around these people I first wonder where they are on their up and down cycle of the drug's effectiveness. Sometimes they are on the really low end of the wave, sometimes they are on the high peak, and other times they are somewhere in between (on their way up, or on their way down). I have also noticed over the long term that these people tend to think that they have the corner on intelligence, wisdom, understanding, and common sense. I don’t know if this is related to the long-term use of the Rx drugs, or just the effects of aging (or some combination of the two). Although I care for these people I do not really enjoy being around them as much as I use to because of the extreme swings in their personalities, and their apparent "superior", "know-it-all attitudes", and control-freak personality traits that seem to have surfaced. One of these people I am no longer friends with because he had a very confrontational in-my-face melt-down with me not more than 2-3 inches from the end of my nose. Unfortunately, things with him and I will never be the same. I am not the only person he has done this with. He is very explosive. My point - I'm not interested in marrying someone like this. It is not enjoyable - at all.
Have you ever been around those people who are "brimming" with advice or "their cups overflow-eth with advice"? Again, I really do not understand these types of people. I can understand someone wanting to help another from time to time, but these folks never stop giving advice. They think they know it all and they appear to really love to give others advice. (Where are my ear plugs.) Sometimes I wonder if they are capable of ever taking advice from anyone else since they already know it all. My point is, even though some of these people might be nice, I am not interested in marrying someone like this. Are you? Would you?
Have you ever bumped into those people who are the "Mr. Fix-It" or "Miss Fix-It"? That is, they have a several of the character traits that I have mentioned earlier - they are the "know-it-all" types, they are the types of people who stick their noses into other people's business, and they apparently like to think for other people. They apparently see someone whom they think is ignorant of something, or they see someone whom they think they can enlighten, or maybe they see someone whom they think they can honestly help. And before taking into consideration what this other person actually knows, or wants, or desires, or needs, they just jump in with both arms and both legs and attempt to do whatever it is they think they are suppose to do to correct the situation/person. (Assumptions like these can cause horrible relationship problems.) All along they are proving that they do not know anything about "boundaries", and if they do, they certainly do not show it. What I have found interesting about some of these individuals is that since they think they "know-it-all", you can't give them any "help" (in general), or "constructive input" in order to open their eyes as to how they are not respecting other people's boundaries. They do think that they know it all – or close to it. I truly do not understand these types of people. I mention this here because I do not want to marry one of these.
Communication Skills (several points) - 1st - have you ever been around those individuals who talk and talk and talk and talk, and it is almost like they don't take a breath? I am not really sure what is going on with these individuals. Maybe they like to hear themselves talk. ??? These are the folks that you find it hard to get a word in edgewise - and then when you do, it is almost like they never even heard you. 2nd - then there are those who talk and then when it is your turn to contribute you begin to catch on that they are not really listening to you. Instead, they are "reloading" so they can again "talk at you". In other words, they have very poor listening skills and they end up not really hearing your side because they are too busy forming and developing their next mass of verbiage - to hurl at you. 3rd - then there are those people who hide and/or conceal information and/or lie to their boyfriend/fiancé/spouse which ends up causing major problems in the marriage. These are the people who for one reason or another cannot be open, honest, straight, truthful, transparent, etc. etc. etc. with their boyfriend/fiancé/spouse – communication to them means manipulation. 4th - then there are those who for some reason cannot actually "say what they mean or mean what they say". 5th (related to the 4th) - those that say one thing and then DO something else. 6th – then there are those who go off and blabber/gossip to their friends and/or to their relatives about things that should only be between the couple. 7th - then there are those who don't tell the whole truth or the whole story. They just tell their significant other the things they want them to know. 8th - then there are those individuals (usually the dominating & control-freak types) who "go through the motions" of good communication skills but have absolutely no intentions of hearing the other side, or giving an inch (let alone a millimeter) in the discussion - it is all about them manipulating the other person and getting what they want. My point, I am not interested in marrying anyone who possesses these extremely undesirable communication skills.
Of all the people in this world - I should be able to have complete trust in, and have completed confidence in, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is being completely straight with me. That person should most definitely be my fiancee and wife.
I am not a slob, however, if you are a neat-freak, and/or anal-retentive, and/or obsessive-compulsive, and/or are wound a little too tight I am afraid we will not mix too well together. I don’t really enjoy getting in trouble for not folding the towels correctly, and such. IMO, moderation and relativity apply here as well.
If you have the mind set of: “men are bad and stupid, let us (women) make fun of them”, and/or "it's us (us women) against them (the men)"; and/or you view men as the enemy; and/or you view men as the lower-intelligence sex – Neanderthals perhaps; and/or you think of men as a necessary evil – then we definitely have no future together. Likewise, I am certainly not seeking to date/marry a: Vixen, or a Prima Donna, or a Black Widow, or a Barracuda, or an Ice-Woman, or a Feminist, or a Sociopath (or worse). Are you seeking to date/marry a man who has equivalent views of women, and/or equivalent personality traits?
Are you a multi-tasker? One who likes to put your boyfriend/fiancé/husband in your multitasking loop? If so, how would you feel if he put YOU in his multitasking loop? Many people who multitask “think” they are really good at it (maybe even great at it). However, I have experienced & I have observed that when a person multitasks, and the more things they try to juggle at one time, the more apt they are, and the more often they cut corners, and/or forget things, and/or drop the ball, and/or make mistakes, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes, they can really cause some real problems. Have you been on the receiving end of someone else’s multitasking? If you haven't been there you should try it. It can make you feel small, or insignificant - to say the least. Moderation is one of the keys of life and I believe it applies to multitasking as well.
Have you ever been around people (usually the middle-aged or older crowds) that seem to have gotten stuck in "their own time periods", their own generational-time. That is, they seem to only be able to see, view and experience the world from "their" time period, their own static mind-set? Even though "change" is a constant, they have chosen to set their roots in their time period and live the rest of their lives there. And it appears that it is quite difficult for them to see, view and experience the world from the younger generations point(s) of view? I do believe that each generation has its "good and bad" things and aspects. And that there are basic truths that are relevant and hold true for all generations. However, I do believe that if one can only perceive and interpret the present from one's own reference point (generational time mind-set) then one is apt to miss out on a lot of things that could be very enjoyable. Plus, these old fuddy-duddies (aka sticks-in-the-mud, old grumps) are NOT a lot of fun to be around for the younger generations. My point, I do NOT want to become an old fuddy-duddy, an old grump that is stuck in my static generational time. I want to constantly be able to move along with most if not all the changes that happens in "real-life". And I want a spouse who can do the same. I do not want to be married to an old grumpy fuddy-duddy woman. These types of people are NOT enjoyable people to be around.
Like I mentioned above, I have a daughter and I am crazy about her. I love my daughter very, very much and enjoy kids in general. She is very important to me. Therefore, if you never wanted children, and/or you find them annoying, and/or you can't stand them, and/or if my love for my daughter might/will make you jealous - then we will most certainly not be a good match for one another. I have seen and experienced this, and it is not a good thing.
Genuine, mature and serious marriage preparation (eg. marriage counseling) prior to marriage is a must.
Each one of us has our own set of genes; our own epigenome; and our own lifetime of experiences and inputs (good and bad). Therefore, we each have our own separate outlooks on life; our own separate world-view; our own distinct paradigms; our own separate and distinct perception(s) of reality; and our own separate and distinct interpretation(s) of perceptions of reality. Our own separate and distinct belief in what is "truth", and what is not "truth"; and what constitutes "real-life"; our own separate opinions on this and that; our own sets of ethics and morals; our own set if ideas as to what is right and wrong; and our own set of views as to what is good and bad. In short, we are all different. Members of a family have small and large differences in opinions and beliefs from time to time. Neighbors have small and large differences in opinions and beliefs from time to time. Even people of the same "faith" (belief in origins) have small and large differences in opinions and beliefs from time to time. Therefore, should we be surprised if men and women have small and large differences in opinions and beliefs. My point - again, take a LOT of time to get to know one another REALLY well BEFORE you get married (this is something that you really do NOT want to wait to do until AFTER you are married). Make sure that you and your prospective spouse are grown-up (aka: mature). And find someone with whom you have a LOT in common.
In my opinion, if there is any human relationship that the "golden-rule" should actually apply to (in real-life) it most certainly should be the spousal marriage relationship. With one caveat, and that is, do not forget the main theme in the book "The Five Love Languages".
Someone (not me) mentioned the following here on ASC: that one possible good "formula for giving" in a relationship is for each person to be giving 60% of the time and taking 40 % of the time. I might add to that and say that each person should be trying to "out give" the other person. So maybe these percentages could change to 70% "giving" and 30 % "taking". In other words, one should try to make the other feel quite important - without putting each other on a pedestal of course.
Related to the above two items - based on my own dating experiences and marriage experience - I would say that the most satisfying, enjoyable, rewarding, meaningful, trustworthy, real, and solid relationship that I have ever experienced was when I was in a relationship with a woman wherein we both paid extra attention to each other. Please understand what I mean by "paid extra attention to each other". We essentially put each other up there pretty close to the top (if not the top) on our priority lists. She had two children whom she loved dearly and I understood this and accepted this. She of course had other family members whom she loved dearly, and again I understood this and accepted this. My point - I was not jealous of these other people in her life, or of the love she had for them. Likewise, she was the same way with me. That is, we were not the seething jealous types that you hear the "horror stories" about (I've been there and done that already - what a nightmare. I definitely do not want to relive that experience again). Her career, and my career were not the focus of our lives. "Stuff" was not the focus of our lives. Instead, it was our "important relationships" (including each other) that was the focus of our lives/relationship. We did not overtly or covertly try to: control one another; or manipulate one another, or lie/deceive one another, etc, etc, etc. Therefore, this is the type of a relationship that I am looking for. Someone with whom I can have this type of a lifelong relationship with. Do you know of any such "lady"? She has to be real, and not a fake.
Please note that all of these "things/issues" that I have listed above apply to me as well. These things go both ways. That is, this laundry-list applies to me, as well as my prospective wife/spouse. And please, do not even try to tell me that you do not have a "laundry-list" of "things" that you need/want/desire in your prospective husband/spouse.
Life is so precious, and so very, very short.
Love and honor are the greatest things to be experience in life.